May 15 2012
Note: The following links do not take you to The Onion but to the official White House website.
Ten former United States presidents rolled in their graves earlier this week, and those still living got a bad case of the creeps when the Obama White House decided to revise their official biographies – not by adding new facts about these former presidents, but by injecting President Obama into the other presidents’ histories.
Correcting earlier historians’ fatal flaw in failing to realize that Barack Obama is the culminating pinnacle of human history, the Obama White House has done a great service to mankind – especially naïve children, personality-disorder psychologists, and late night comedians.
So far, the Administration has not reordered historical dates marked to Obama’s birth – 1960 and years prior being “Before Obama” (B.O.) and 1961 and following “After Obama” (A.O.), but we are waiting.
George Orwell, call your office.
The New Editions of History include key insights into how previous presidents’ lives and accomplishments are inextricably linked to President Obama.
For instance, we now know President Reagan would have endorsed Obama’s ludicrous “Buffett Rule” to advance a fairer tax code.
Why would Calvin Coolidge care if Obama held a townhall meeting on Google+? (By the way, did the American people even care about Google+?!) If he was going to ride Coolidge’s coattails for creating the Federal Radio Commission (later the FCC), President Obama should have taken the opportunity to brag about being the first American president to regulate the Internet.
Oh, and Harry Truman would be thrilled to know that his official White House biography flaunts that the Obama Administration repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.
Michelle Obama’s dictates on what, where, and how much people can eat isn’t quite what Dwight Eisenhower had in mind when he created the President’s Council on Physical Fitness and Sports.
For a good chuckle, check out the section on Jimmy Carter’s Energy Department. Hey kids, contrast the famed Carter energy policies with Obama’s energy innovations and “all of the above” approach to oil!
The only president who’s likely flattered by Obama’s New Edition of History might be Bill Clinton, who Obama is said to “affectionately [call] him the nation’s ‘Do-Gooder-in-Chief.’”
The president borders on juvenile when editing George W. Bush’s biography. He notes that Bush 43 is the first president to stream a State of the Union on the Internet – and then immediately reminds Americans that in 2011 and 2012 Obama’s SOTUs upgraded to enhanced live stream. Oooo.
The arrogance it takes to write himself into other presidents’ biographies is staggering, but all too believable, coming from this White House. But this latest demonstration that he cares more about his image than the office of the presidency is just obnoxious.