By Kate Schindler
A male friend said this to me the other day: "If women expect men to act like they do in romance novels, then they shouldn't be surprised when men expect them to act like porn stars."
At first glance, this statement sounds utterly ridiculous. Romance novels and porn are different things. Romance novels promote values such as true love and marriage, while porn is dirty and degrading to women. But there's more to it.
Many young women at least occasionally read a romance novel; few men do. Many young men occasionally look at porn; few women do. Consequently, young women's expectations of relationships are at least in part influenced by romance novels, and young men's expectations are influenced by porn.
Romance novels have been popular since Jane Austen in the 19th Century, but it is only in the last few decades that they have become so widespread yet formulaic. Hero meets heroine; at first, they don't recognize the other as their true love, but they go through some sort of trial and realize that they are meant to be together; they get married and live happily ever after.
These books have influenced us, whether we read them or not. In Fiorello!, a musical written in 1959, the heroine Marie sings songs truly appalling to my feminist sensibilities. Realizing that she is growing older and can no longer afford to wait for Fiorello, her true love, she sings a song entitled "The Very Next Man," which contains lines like, "If he likes me, who cares how frequently he strikes me? I'll fetch his slippers with my arm in a sling, just for the privilege of wearing his ring." Of course, Fiorello soon realizes after twenty years that he has loved Marie all along, and they get married and live happily ever after.
I don't think many young women would sing a song like that today. Women, especially the younger generation, are idealists when it comes to love and marriage. Whatever we may want for our lives in the short term, most of us want to marry our true love, who will treat us well and respect us.
Unfortunately, the relationships most commonly found on college campuses are a far cry from what most women really want.
Hook-ups have been on the rise, and dating has been on the decline. "Hanging out" means "making out" to most college men, even if all a woman had in mind was talking and getting to know a man better. Put in that situation, it's hard for women to say no, because if they actually like the guy they're afraid of driving him away. There are isolated cases where hook-ups lead to relationships, but usually the woman ends up alone and feeling cheap.
Maybe you have a smoother guy, or maybe a girl manages to avoid the hanging-out-in-the-dorm trap. They go out to dinner and a movie. Whether or not he pays, a good-night kiss is the least he's going to expect afterward. It's not a matter of thinking he has paid for the right to make out with her; rather, he assumes that if she is interested enough to go out with him, then she must want him physically as well.
As long as women keep letting men get away with this, they're not going to stop, and women are going to keep getting hurt when the relationship they want never materializes or he moves on to the next hook-up. Women need to be confident enough to insist on what they want and realize that if a man only wants them for a hook-up, he's not good enough for them. And if he's not good enough for you, then why hook up with him?
Take a young man and a young woman in college who hook up regularly. Often, the woman's friends will respond to the situation, "What a jerk, to take advantage of you like that and not commit to you!" However, the man has no reason to commit if he can get what he wants without doing so, and his friends will probably praise him for getting such a good deal.
This seems like a difficult situation: is there hope for young love? I think so. Even with these widespread differing expectations, if a woman treats herself with respect, a man who cares about her will do the same.
Kate Schindler is a senior at The George Washington University and a junior fellow at the Independent Women's Forum.