R. Gaull Silberman Center for Collegiate Studies
Recreational Hook-ups or Emotional Hang-ups?
The Herald-Sun
By Kylie Harrell
August 17, 2008
This week the incoming freshman at Duke will be attending The Real Deal-a mandatory orientation event that purports to "help you make responsible social decisions at Duke." No doubt this event will be just as rousing as it was when I was a wide-eyed freshman. I admire Duke's efforts to begin conversations about sexual behavior and abuse. However, this shocking presentation-that features everything from how to use a condom to the infamous "orgasm girl"-left me wondering what kind of social scene I had entered.
Three years later as I begin my senior year at Duke, I know too well the campus culture around me. What started with The Real Deal continued with other Duke-sponsored events like Safer Sex Week and the infamous Sex Workers Art Show. It's not just the events that bother me. It's the culture they sustain and the effect they are having. Too many of my friends and peers have fallen victim to the notion that hooking-up is simply a fun weekend activity. Unfortunately, experience teaches otherwise.
Every weekend, girls across Duke's campus wake up sad and confused. The previous night's choices have not left them fulfilled or content. My girlfriends always seem hurt while the guys easily move on to their next fling. Why are the women upset? After all, it was supposed to be just sex-just one of the "responsible social decisions" discussed in The Real Deal. Without an explanation for their emotions, my friends are left feeling used and embarrassed. All I could do is sit with these women while they let painful tears flow.
Our women's center and sexual health groups failed to tell us the whole truth. They may warn of the physical risks of "unsafe sex" but tend to ignore its emotional toll which also has biological roots. Research suggests that a hormone called oxytocin plays a role in the feelings of attachment and trust that women feel for their sexual partners. Female mammals primarily release oxytocin while giving birth and breast feeding and the hormone facilitates mother-child bonding. Oddly enough, the same hormone is also released during sexual contact causing a sense of attachment. In men, oxytocin's effects are neutralized by the release of testosterone.
Did you catch that ladies? There is a biological explanation for the way you feel and the way he
doesn't feel.
I had always thought casual sex had different consequences for men and women. Now, based on
scientific evidence, I know it does. College women at Duke are suffering emotional pain that's not
only avoidable-but, predictable.
Why weren't we told this three years ago? Why was this important science-based information absent from The Real Deal? Of all the resources on Duke's student health website including women's and sexual health information, oxytocin is not mentioned once.
The explanation is a radical feminist agenda that has a foothold in women's health discussions. As Dr. Miriam Grossman, a psychiatrist at UCLA suggests in her book, Unprotected, "I once assumed campus medicine and psychology had one priority: student well-being. I'm no longer so naive. Radical politics pervades my profession, and common sense has vanished." To propose that "safe" sexual experimentation may not be emotionally healthy and may be more dangerous for women than men is not politically correct. It jeopardizes the sexually liberated culture Duke and radical ideologies bolster. At Duke, it seems sexual freedom trumps sexual health.
The Real Deal fails to give women all the information they need to make good sexual choices. Encouraging the use of latex, getting tested regularly for Sexually Transmitted Diseases, and having Plan B on hand just in case may protect a woman's physical health but does not protect women's emotions or psyche. In attempts to control the negative consequences of its hook-up culture, Duke simply encourages students to practice "safer sex." But it fails to realize that sex without commitment cannot be "safe" at all.
I will continue to sit with my girlfriends as they work through their heartache. At least now I have the essential information that's needed to make "responsible social decisions at Duke."
Maybe this year the incoming freshman will hear something new. Maybe this year, The Real Deal will give them the whole truth and actually accomplish its goal.
Kylie Harrell is a junior fellow at the Independent Women's Forum and a senior at Duke University.
12 Comments
JB | August 19, 2008, 2:00pm | #
An eye opener for males as well as females. Something for the male to consider when contemplating 'recreational' sex.
Gary Packwood | August 20, 2008, 5:14pm | #
So the Real Deal program plants the seed of an idea that 'hooking up' is actually a problem at Duke and then throughout the year(s) that seed is nourished by other programs from the Office of Student Affairs until you finally have something that actually looks like a 'hook-up' problem at Duke.
Sounds like a job protection program for Duke faculty and staff members who concern themselves with finding problems to solve.
I thought the real 'hook up cultural' problem was in poor communities where 17-25 year old guys hook up with girls as young as 13 and 14 and toss them aside as throw-away-people. What on earth does that problem have to do with students at elite universities such as Duke?
Send the 'Real Deal' program people at Duke over to the poor communities in Durham. The social workers can use the help.
Marjorie | August 22, 2008, 1:56pm | #
So the proposal is to tell women that they will predictably feel "sad and confused" after casual sex?
When is it ever appropriate to tell another person how they are going to feel in a particular situation? Doesn't that strike you as awfully presumptuous and infantilizing? (And why are we "confused" after casual sex by the way? What's "confusing" about it?)
I don't care how much oxytocin floods my system (and yes, I am well familiar with that lovely oxytocin glow). You have no idea how that oxytocin may or may not affect me emotionally in a given situation (or any other woman, except yourself).
This idea of telling women that they are necessarily more emotionally sensitive about sex strikes me as a transparently faux concern for women. It smacks of trying to dictate to women how we "should" feel after sex.
Look, you are a grown-up and your friends at Duke are grown-ups. Your friends are presumably bright women. If they feel heartbroken after every hook-up, they can certainly choose to refrain from further hook-ups. Or maybe they feel the excitement and pleasure associated with the hook-up is worth it, even if it means risking some disappointment. These are personal choices and no one else, certainly not some college educator, can tell us what will make us the happiest. That is something each person has to figure out for herself.
corbin | February 16, 2009, 3:03pm | #
Yeah you can play the grown up and go for that elusive true love relationship OR, you can head to theadulthookup.com and just have some fun with a whole community of people who are down to earth and up for anything.
amy | February 25, 2009, 1:07am | #
I'm a 21 year old girl and I hate the hookup culture. So many guys are players these days. Girls don't know how to put themself first. The casual sex/hookup culture is to blame. In school we were told that as long as you used protection, there are no problems with casual sex. My pareents just encouraged me to use contraception and told me ONS's and casual hookups are fine. I learnt the hard way and casual hookups definitely took it's emotional toll on me. I couldn't understand why men never called me after sex and why they never developed any feelings for me. I was left feeling hateful, used, hurt, confused and resentful toward men. I felt rage toward the opposite sex and still do sometimes. Especially when guys lie to get me into bed. All the handsome guys are players. It seems the only men these days that will commit are unnattractive losers (because they are the ones that can only get sex through a long term relationship). It's sad but true. No guys will commit to a relationship when they know that down the track there will be lots of other girls who will put out after just a few dates. Something needs to be done to reverse this culture!!! Even if it means we have to return to no contraception!!! We need to be a society which does not tolerate casual sex but instead sees it for what it is - sexual exploitation of women.
amy | February 25, 2009, 1:52am | #
We need to work out ways for the hookup culture to be reversed.
Even if it has to mean a return to no sex before marriage and going back to not using any contraception.
Contraception poses many problems to women, they have years of sex on the pill, and no baby appears, they are forced to deny their maternal instinct and pressured into focusing on a career. It's unnatural, I would say it feels depressing for many women, almost like they are infertile. Then as soon as women initiate "baby talk" with their partner, he runs for his life to the next woman. And the cycle continues. Men just don't have the same maternal instinct as women. Many women don't find a life partner untill their late 30's and by that time, their biological clock is ticking hard and they may be too late to conceive.
One way to reverse the hookup culture may be to encourage girls to bribe men for sex. The man doesn't get sex untill the girl gets what she wants first, i.e. presents, jewellery, flowers etc. I know that will have the feminists turn in their grave. The feminists did a few good things, but along the way they made things a lot harder for women.
Kait | May 11, 2009, 3:02am | #
OMG, Amy, did you really just propose that women prostitute themselves after receiving the payment of their choosing?
And as to the rest of your post, I agree that random hook-ups can cause emotional distress, but I disagree that we all have maternal instincts and that career goals are a burden to all women. Some may feel that way about their own lives and that's fine, but at 22 I KNOW I want to focus on a career for quite a while before I even consider a child. (And even if I have a child, it will be between me and my future husband about who works, who cares for the child, and all that jazz. Who knows- if I get to a certain age, I'm still single, and I'm sufficiently stable financially and whatnot, I might adopt a child and raise it while working.)
Finally, the majority of the feminist movement has benefitted you and your sisters greatly. Just because some parts of it are not to your liking doesn't mean they only "did a few good things." Learn your history.
Back to the original article, I think this is a really good point. I'm definitely a feminist (and I resent that the author blames "radical feminism" broadly), and to me that means educating women and helping them take control of their lives. This article points out something that many women might want to consider. If a woman has random hook-ups and is fine with it, that is fine and I have no desire to step in and tell her how to feel or act!!! However, from my own experience, many women DO feel pain and confusion after random hook-ups, and I believe this article addresses them.
I think the silence from universities and similar bodies about the emotional consequences of hook-ups comes largely from understandable sources. No one wants to be DEFINED (or controlled, limited, etc.) by their biology. Arguments about women being different biochemically or physically have been used for centuries to subjugate women, so anything that sounds vaguely like that can understandably cause someone to shudder and turn away. However, I think we need to find a way to never use biological differences to limit each other- but to use them to learn about our brain chemistry and how we can live happier lives with that given chemistry. We need to recognize that not all of our hormones express themselves the same way in every woman (nor does biology determine destiny), but there are patterns and common circumstances that a large number of women experience (like young women getting into a cycle of random hook-ups and feeling confused and bad.) This should not be used to tell women HOW to feel, but rather to discuss why feelings may occur and how to deal with them or avoid them happening in the first place.
Of course, there is also the issue that there are still major double standards applied to women and men about sexual behavior... and that often contributes to the difference between how men and women feel the morning after.
Zois | May 11, 2009, 10:45am | #
What was that about "the only men that will commit are unnatractive losers"? If you categorise men in handsome vs unattractive loser no wonder you have problems finding a decent guy you f---ing twat.
casualencounters.com/blog | May 12, 2009, 11:22pm | #
I knew there was some reason why I used and abused women like dirty dishrags. HIGH FIVE, BRO.
Vienna037 | October 7, 2009, 2:02am | #
First of all, to Zois and Casualencounters.com/blog: It is all too obvious that you two both fit into the "unattractive loser" category, or else you wouldnt be on this website reading the Independent Woman's Forum. Not to mention the ridiculously insecure language that you use to make you feel like you have at least a baby dick. Sorry, just cope.
Secondly to Amy and Kait: I do not entirely agree with Kait’s aggressive response to Amy’s comments on feminism. While feminism has done a great amount for woman and has “changed” them, it has NOT changed men. In reality, feminism didn’t really have to change women, we were always independent, ambitious, strong, and competent, it was supposed to change men. But because it did not, we are now fulfilling both roles, we are now WO+MEN. Not only do we have careers, finance things that were originally ’their” job to finance, we have to have kids, take care of them, take care of the house, clean, decorate, cook, at the same time, look gorgeous, spend 80% of income on cosmetics, cloths, things that will beautify us so we can remain desirable. All this and the man simply grunts, goes out of his cave and finds another, leaving everything that we have built and created behind. A year in Male years is about 8 in Woman years. We have sex with one guy, we are already impure, after that, its up to us to stay minimally impure until our future fucking husband decides to grace us with his temporary devotion. The standards will never EVER be fair. Now, I agree with Amy that we should use them for whatever little they are worth. I encourage hooking-up, but without sex (and definitely without oral sex). Be a princess, let him serve his only purpose which is to pleasure to the best of their ability. Hook-up, get off, smile, say thank-you and leave. He can deal with the rest by himself. I do not agree, however, that we should consciously try to squeeze money and presents out of them, why would you need that anyway when its much more enjoyable acquiring it yourself? Now, drinks and food are fine if they offer, WHY NOT?! Just keep offering loser! Let them think they are getting somewhere. Now, this is still incomparable to what they can do, but we have more control by far. So USE the control. Sorry for the novel. Let me know your thoughts.
Deanna Leil | November 30, 2009, 10:46am | #
Not only does this hormone oxytocin explain why women bond and attach emotionally but studies also show that having casual sex with many people can have detrimental long term affects on a women. The more sexual partners a woman has the less oxytocin her body will release, eventually making it extremely hard or impossible for her to emotionally bond with a sexual partner. This obviously will one day cause havoc in her marriage and cause many problems in a healthy loving relationship that she will really care about.
Jim Carvel | December 24, 2009, 4:15pm | #
This all sees like another attempt at trying to distance oneself from their actions. If you can blame your hormones for the way you feel, then suddenly, you can blame your horrid decisions on chemicals which you "can't control".
Of course, this is not occuring in a vacuum, that much is obvious. Men are encouraged to have sex with as many women as possible in overt and covert ways by culture(s) and the example of the natural world. Having a lot of sexual partners as a man means not only elevating yourself to higher cultural status, it also makes one feel biologically successful and more of a man. I think probably every man has the same impression as I do. However, there is a vast difference between men and animals and we men should recognize the differences and maybe try to evolve upwards instead of downwards. Com'on guys? Can't take a few emotional bumps? Take a shot a developing a personality.
Getting back to the female side, ladies, if I can make one suggestion. I know that it hurts when things don't go the way you want to with another man. You just can't use sex as an excuse to get close to a guy who really has no emotional interest in you. My instincts and and experience tell me there is probably a guy who has been dying to have the kind of relationship that you attempted to create with your first choice, probably, one of the more eligible men you know. I hate to say it but, supply and demand are a part of the whole relationship game and sometimes you will not get what you want. You might not even know what your getting until you get it. You can, however, know yourself a little better.
A lot of people have hit the nail on the head in this blog. Ladies, you are responsible for the way you feel because who else really can be when it comes down to it? You make the decisions (with suggestions from a man of course) and you experience the consequences of those decisions. If you find that you get attached more easily to partners, then random hook-ups are not for you. If not, continue on. Women are all different, that is one thing that is obvious to me after having gotten to know a few (crazy I know.) Just stop wasting your time trying to point the finger at society, like a dictator, and saying its what's wrong with the world to day and everyone should be the way YOU say. That's just ridiculous. It also makes you look very naive so take it from someone who has taken the time to read your response and calmly articulate another perspective.
On a final note, not all men are affected the same by those wonderful hormones that have been mentioned. The guy who wrote this certainly knows what its like to have things not workout it a positive way. I also know that I definitely feel attachment to the women I have dated. It takes a long time for that to go away and causes a lot of heartache for me so I have to voice my disagreement that men cannot "feel" like you do. We are different from one another just like you. I know for a fact that random hook ups don't work for me and I have quite a bit of testosterone compared to the average male. So lets not over generalize too much and try to dictate acceptable social practices. Land of the free remember?