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January 25 2018

Dave Schlenker: Game-changing emails for cold feet and fireballs

Ocala
featuring Julie Gunlock

News you may have missed: Grim streakers, cat ladies and goat nuptials

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Dave’s Freaky Inbox.

Here, I report news you may have missed. These are real news releases emailed to me in recent months, delicious scoops I overlooked amid piled-up notices about potluck dinners and local road closures.

My apologies. To get you back up to speed, here are headlines still in my inbox:

“Re: Stylish socks can change the world”

“Star Wars most popular pet name” — This is a news release from Petplan Pet Insurance. The top three most popular pets names from “Stars Wars,” according to Petplan, are Luke, Chewbacca and Finn. Yoda was fourth, Han Solo was ninth and Jar Jar did not make the cut.

“Embrace Your Inner Cat Lady!”

“Statement: ’Tis not the season to freak out over cookie dough, FDA cooks up alarmism” — The slugline delivers what it promises: a statement from the Independent Women’s Forum Culture of Alarmism project director stating, well, don’t freak out about eating raw cookie dough. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration feels otherwise, of course, prompting the Culture For Alarmism to proclaim “it’s time to cut government if federal agencies have time to cook up alerts on nonsense like this.”

“The Game-Changing Blanket to Cure Cold Feet!”

“Santa Claus Endorses SwampButt Underwear for Dryness and Security” — I have had several emails from the SwampButt Underwear company in recent months. But this news release is by far my favorite: It seems Santa loves this underwear brand because it combats “his own sweaty backside ... due to the pants ‘droop’ on his busiest day.”

“Grim Streaker Share ‘Freak Child’ Video On Culture Collide”

“Boob Introduces The-Tee that also makes a Statement” — To be clear, the first word there is the name of a clothing company making new “organic cotton shirts” for women. They are lovely and empowering shirts, actually. The news release also contains the words “chic,” “swag” and “momified.”

“Re: Bed Race”

“Spinning Toe Hold - Warning - This video contains 10 fireballs” — This email is from Dory Funk Jr., the WWE Hall of Fame wrestler who now runs a wrestling academy in Ocala. I know Dory well. I have been tossed to the mat by Dory. I have written about Dory for years. So what I really love about this odd email is that I did not find it odd at all.

“How to Turn Your Side Hustle Into a Career Move!”

“Somebody GOAT Married” — News release: “Sunset at the Palms, an all-inclusive, adults-only resort in Negril, Jamaica, proudly announces the marriage of two of the property’s most recent hires, Betty and Royal Brown.” Yes, Betty and Royal are goats. They were married on Nov. 25 in a lovely ceremony attended by their coworkers and resort guests.

So there you have it, readers. Sorry you missed the goat ceremony. My bad. But please note there is still time to convert your Side Hustle into profit. To ensure success, though, make sure you are wearing the proper underwear and world-changing socks.

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Independent Women’s Forum’s mission is to improve the lives of Americans by increasing the number of women who value free markets and personal liberty. Sister organization of Independent Women’s Voice.
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