Here’s my favorite part–i.e. the part most damning to John F. Kerry–of Sen. Zell Miller’s electrifying speech at the Republican Convention last night:
“Listing all the weapon systems that Senator Kerry tried his best to shut down sounds like an auctioneer selling off our national security but Americans need to know the facts.
“The B-1 bomber, that Senator Kerry opposed, dropped 40 percent of the bombs in the first six months of Operation Enduring Freedom.
“The B-2 bomber, that Senator Kerry opposed, delivered air strikes against the Taliban in Afghanistan and Hussein’s command post in Iraq.
“The F-14A Tomcats, that Senator Kerry opposed, shot down Khadifi’s Libyan MIGs over the Gulf of Sidra. The modernized F-14D, that Senator Kerry opposed, delivered missile strikes against Tora Bora.
“The Apache helicopter, that Senator Kerry opposed, took out those Republican Guard tanks in Kuwait in the Gulf War. The F-15 Eagles, that Senator Kerry opposed, flew cover over our Nation’s Capital and this very city after 9/11.
“I could go on and on and on: against the Patriot Missile that shot down Saddam Hussein’s scud missiles over Israel; against the Aegis air-defense cruiser; against the Strategic Defense Initiative; against the Trident missile; against, against, against.
“This is the man who wants to be the Commander in Chief of our U.S. Armed Forces?
“U.S. forces armed with what? Spitballs?”
Now read what Maureen Dowd, the New York Times’s resident political wit, has to say this morning about that part of Miller’s speech:
“Zell Miller, playing Cotton Mather behind the cross-like lectern, made [Vice President Dick] Cheney seem rational, with a maniacal litany of weapons he said Mr. Kerry had opposed that can destroy any mud hut in any third world country: B-1 and B-2 bombers, F-14A Tomcats, F-15 Eagles, Patriot and Trident missiles, and Aegis cruisers.”
Did you by chance laugh at this MoDo sally? Even crack a tiny smile? No? That’s the problem with the left these days–it’s not even funny! (See The Other Charlotte’s Is America Electing a New Media, Too?, below, for more on La Dowd.)
Time was when you could count on left-of-center comedians–I’m thinking of Lenny Bruce, Tom Lehrer, Michael Myers as, say, the Church Lady–to give even conservatives like me a few honest chuckles at some of our culture’s pretentious pieties. But nowadays the liberals’ attempts at humor are merely shrill, raucous, obscene–and flat. The jokes are duds. Did anyone besides a few radical feminists actually laugh when Whoopi Goldberg recently compared George W. Bush to a part of her intimate anatomy?
And the protesters at the convention! Wasn’t their whole shtick supposed to be mocking the Bush administration in the witty fashion that’s supposed to earmark liberals as so much smarter than the rest of us? So what do you make of this report by the Washington Post’s Robin Givhan:
“Over the last three days, there have been protesters in pink lingerie: ‘Pink slip Bush!’ There was a protester covered in leaves and hopping about like a woodland nymph for reasons understandable only to him. There was a guy dressed like a rocket to protest the war in Iraq….
“On Sunday, self-described radical queer activists had a kiss-off at Seventh Avenue and West 46th Street. They marched through the Theater District — crossing paths with protesters carrying a banner that read ‘U.S. out of North America.’ This is the kind of proclamation that prompts the question: Do you own an atlas? The gay marchers chanted, ‘We’re here, we’re queer. We’re fabulous.’ The rest of their poetry cannot be repeated verbatim in this publication, but it can be summed up as a general warning: Do not get them riled up. The group of protesters looked bedraggled, as if they’d burned off a few pounds through the sheer intensity of their anger. Their T-shirts and cargo pants hung off them. One woman had nothing left covering her upper body but a pair of pasties.”
My sides are splitting. Here’s more:
“New Yorkers love the Billionaires for Bush with their sharp sarcasm, their highbrow irony and their splendid costuming. With full-blown, righteous self-indulgence, the Billionaires spit out lines such as ‘Here’s to the workers of America for lining my pockets. Huzzah!’ They chant ‘Four More Wars!’ and ‘No Justice: No Problem!’ They made their RNC debut Sunday morning on the Great Lawn in Central Park, where they played badminton and croquet.
“Their interpretation of the modern billionaire is along the lines of Thurston and Lovey Howell of ‘Gilligan’s Island,’ rather than Texas oilmen, midwestern real estate tycoons or West Coast technology entrepreneurs. They favor captain’s hats, white gloves, top hats and tiaras. They sprinkle their conversations with ‘dahling,’ and they have monikers such as Uma D. Consumer and Noah Countability.”
Noah Countability? That’s funny? Hey, New York liberals, you’re supposed to be the cream of the creative American crop: writers, artists, intellectuals, theater folk. Can’t you do better than this?