Ace investigative reporter Michael Isikoff was on the scene in Alaska, tieless and spitting out his words as if there were hugely-important breaking news. But the opposite was clear: there was very little news in the Sarah Palin emails released Friday by the state of Alaska. The strained, tortuous attempts by the media to make it appear that there is something in the emails, awaited with such vicious glee, are hilarious.

Let’s see: about those polar bears.  “Hi guys! Checkin in,” Palin emailed suspiciously in September 2008. “I anticipate folks will be inquiring about our polar bear issue, though it hasnt cropped up yet that I’ve heard of. Climate change is a top issue of course. Just head’s up. Also, predator control’s been quiet, but let me know if the issue’s volume gets turned up and I need to respond to anything. Thanks guys! Hang in there… I appreciate you sincerely.”

The Washington Post, which along with the New York Times, had called for citizen volunteers to pore through the emails, found this shocker about alcohol in the governor’s mansion:   

With so many kids and teens coming and going in that house, esp during this season of celebrationstt [sic] for young people – proms, graduations, etc, I want to send the msg that we can be – and “the People’s House” needs to be – alcohol-free.

After all the mean-spirited anticipation, the New York Times was reduced to this pathetic headline:

Emails Capture Palin’s Meteoric Rise

Several newspapers have tried to make something of Palin’s praise for a speech by then-Senator Obama, one going so far to portray her as having “backed” Obama before she got the nod from McCain. But even in lauding the talk she calls him the “wrong candidate.” Palin’s enthusiasm for the ideas in the speech appear to be an indication of nothing more scandalous than broadmindedness, something the media out for Sarah’s scalp may be slow to recognize. There were some redactions but I assume that the media got so burned on the email release that these blots will not inspire a new blizzard of requests.

For me, there was one mildly disturbing entry: Palin was trying to justify use of a state plane to fly her kids to visit their paternal grandparents. This bothers me even after watching Air Force One idle while First Lady Michelle Obama took in the sights in decadent Marbella. No, a tiny town in Alaska isn’t Marbella and this wasn’t Air Force One. But I have begun to detest seeing officials act as if government planes and cars are somehow free. Still, on the entitlement scale this is pretty low. The governor’s mansion also required rewiring (a bit more than $3,000) to accommodate Palin’s tanning equipment, but I figure that’s better than burning down the place.

Scrapping the bottom of the barrel, the Washington Post reported that “Sarah Palin faced rumors” that Trig, Sarah and Todd’s son born in April 2008, was really daughter Bristol’s baby even before Trig was born.  This shows that the rumor started even before Andrew Sullivan and other inside-the-beltway types latched onto it. Maybe that’s important, but I don’t know why. I’ve never been a birther, but if I were I’d be jealous of the attention paid to little Trig’s birth by the mainstream media. The release of the President’s birth certificate reduced the number of self-identifed birthers by half. Will the release of the Palin emails calm the media’s frenzied interest in Palin? I dunno. The media may be less governed by rationality than birthers.

Thanks to the media, Sarah Palin is now officially the most vetted politician in America, and, as it turns out, there are no major scandals.