It's almost Valentine's Day–which means it's time to order up a didactic, humorless, and all-around joy-sapping Valentine card for the one you claim to love.

And at Bustle, nothing says "Be My Valentine" like a stern lecture about sexism:

Ah, a holiday where smooches, disgustingly cute slogan bears, and scratchy lingerie are explicitly the orders of the day. My own feelings towards Valentine's Day veer from "can't be bothered" to "feminist outrage," depending on the amount of grotesque gender roles I encounter at any one time. Mention "women are so emotional" or "guys need Valentine's Day because they're hopeless the rest of the time" and I'm likely to start going cross-eyed. It can be hard being a feminist around Valentine's Day….

If you have a relationship that's filled with feminist flavor, want to confess your love to a person of feminist persuasions, or just generally like Elizabeth Cady Stanton, this is the card collection for you.

Yeah, no one floats my boat like Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

Here are some feminist gems from the Bustle Valentine collection:

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I would love to smash the patriarchy with you."

And it's free!

"You Make Me Smile–and You Didn't Need to Yell It At Me Without My Consent."

Alternatively, you can order cards that say, ""This Is What A Feminist In Love Looks Like" and "Be Mine, Or Not, Be Your Own Person, I Value Our Independence In Our Consensual Relationship."

"If You Wanna Be My Lover, You've Gotta Get With My Feminist Ideologies."

That last one is especially romantic, isn't it? As Bustle says:

Got a person you'd quite like to be your Valentine, but want to make it clear they have a few criteria they need to meet before they can get into your mind and your trousers?

And believe me, once that "person" reads that Valentine, he or she will be jumping all over himself or herself to meet your "criteria"!

Mmm, isn't feminist Valentine's Day fun? Cupid, draw back your bow!