Want government censors to tell you what to read? Look no further than librarians from the American Library Association and their specific list of “banned books” carefully curated to preserve your “freedom to read.”  

That’s right — read exactly these books and don’t question the authority of the librarians or else you’re not free. Indeed, our very democracy is at stake if you question a librarian’s book selection.  

Pay no mind to the ALA library policy that “establishes a process by which individuals may share their concerns about library resources in a discussion with a librarian or, if their concerns are unresolved, invoke a formal reconsideration process.” That’s just how ALA librarians track the challenges to their authority, and remember, the librarians are on your side so don’t cross them.  

Rest assured, every request to reconsider a sexually explicit book for minors will be carefully tracked and swiftly card-catalogued as “banned” even if it’s not removed from the school in order to chill the wrong speech that inhibits your free speech.  

However, attempts by parents with the correct speech to “ban” Abigail Shrier’s “Irreversible Damage” from libraries will fly under the media radar in its relentless pursuit to target parents objecting to school pornography.  

In short, please do not speak unkindly about the pornography in school libraries so that you do not agitate the censors protecting your free speech. You’ll be silenced if you do.  

And don’t tell your children that librarians — not parents — “significantly influence or control the selection, organization, preservation, and dissemination of information” in libraries as the sole, elite class with the power to select books … or remove books they don’t like on the pretext of “misinformation” … or accidentally lose a book they don’t like in circulation … or decide not to order a book they don’t like … or blatantly deny a meeting space to people they don’t like … or create a one-sided book display on a controversial issue.  

Librarians have the final say on whether a book is removed from a collection, or is, as they say, “banned.” So why are librarians “banning” so many books?  

Also ignore the ethical responsibility of librarians to select age-appropriate books as part of ALA’s selection criteria for school libraries. The ALA Office of Intellectual Freedom recently reframed sexually explicit books for minors as “diverse materials” specifically to combat parents objecting to school pornography.  

It is also consistent with ALA’s “queer library” advocacy and targeted political agenda to “sneak” queer messaging into materials for kids, so you’re welcome. Freedom isn’t free and kids are the cost.

Remember, you paid for these libraries, so your kids should read exactly what they promote and believe everything they tell them. After all, the libraries need your kids to get riled up about censorship that isn’t happening to attract donations and sell swag.  

Libraries can apply for grants to participate in the “Banned Books Week” media blitz and create a spectacle of oppression via library events, press releases, and sustained community gaslighting all the while counting donations rolling in on the backs of hapless children fooled into believing they triumphed over censorship. 

Speaking of children, we want them to grow into engaged, civic-minded adults who understand that book banning is government censorship to promote one political orthodoxy — not the routine curation of book collections that libraries have practiced for centuries (exempting, of course, the current century’s colonization by the they/them empire).  

And we certainly don’t want children thinking of libraries as an arm of the government that can co-opt a diverse marketplace of ideas into cattle slop for government funding. Then kids might become skeptical of libraries and that is the incorrect skepticism to preserve democracy. 

In short, please do not speak unkindly about the pornography in school libraries so that you do not agitate the censors protecting your free speech. You’ll be silenced if you do.

So please don’t tell the kids that “Banned Books Week” is a bullying campaign to chill the free speech of parents who don’t want pornography in school — all in the name of the First Amendment. 

We need your children to support ALA’s perfectly honest fundraising campaign led by a self-described Marxist lesbian who wants to turn libraries into “sites of socialist organizing.”  

Don’t question “banned books.” Just read them. They’re good for your kids. The librarians said so.